This survey aims to gather the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals inside and outside Hutterite Colonies. Please fill out the survey HERE or scroll to the bottom of the page.

Anonymous Responses:

1. Please describe your journey of self-discovery as an LGBTQ+ person within your Hutterite Colony. What have been the most significant moments or realizations?

-I always knew I was different. I never felt any attraction towards guys, I tried to kiss guys here and there, and I tried seeing myself in a relationship with one but I always left feeling weird and disgusted. I remember talking to my friends about our experiences, and every time there would be happy, exciting, and great, mine would always be weird and awful. I thought that I was doing something wrong, I thought I just always picked the worst guys…etc.

I had a lot of small moments that kind of solidified things for me, like when I’d read books and there was flirting or kissing or whatever I’d be more interested in how the women felt, if we went to parties I wouldn’t care for any of the guys who visited, I couldn’t care less about “winter apples”, I wasn’t as “boy crazy” as I thought my other friend were.

I only allowed myself to try and discover something once I left.

-I realized I was different when I was 12 and was only able to figure out that I was gay and what I was feeling was normal at 15 when I got a phone

-My journey was steeped with denial and uncertainty. I remember being quite confused/worried about the hype surrounding boys and why all the other girls were suddenly obsessed. I had crushes on women that I couldn't even begin to unpack until years later. Ultimately, I suppressed those desires and leapt full force into the boy crushes I finally did get. While I was in the colony, being queer meant more self-hate for myself, because it was just another thing where I was "different".

-The moment I recognized that I was normal and not some abomination it felt so freeing

-For me, it was on a day in the city when I saw a group of people of the same gender walking around and I got aroused sexually. It struck me like lighting that I’m different. I got scared because this was different than what I was taught so I ran away shortly after. Reflecting to my younger days, there were definitely signs.

-I am a queer woman whose parents both left their colonies before I was born. However, I continue to visit and remain in contact with all of my family. However, I would never be accepted if I were to ever have a partner who was not a man. It creates a lot of internal bi-phobia and I go out of my way to avoid dating women and non-binary people. I also have a best friend, who is like a brother to me. He is transgender and I’m bringing him to meet my family. (it’s a big trip I take since I live so far away) I hate that I can’t show him the unique life I grew up with without the stress and anxiety of having him awkwardly present as female for the sake of safety.

-I have been treated as fairly as can be expected. I have learned that God is big enough to fill any gap of love that I may experience. Through love for God and my fellow man, I can be an example to people around me and make a family comprised of all the brothers in the community. Of course, some members make it quite challenging, but it's not supposed to be easy.

-It first started when I was about 10 years old when I felt my first ever crush come along and I was super confused because it was a close friend of mine and he was a boy. At that age, I didn't know what gay was but I did realize that it may not be normal so I kept it a secret from everyone. I liked being by myself because I was scared I'd show my gay side and people wouldn't understand.

-My journey of self-discovery as a gay person in my community was both confusing and depressing most of the time. Gay relationships are not allowed in the colony, so even though you are attracted to the same sex, it is very difficult to accept the fact that you can't pursue a connection. And my age group all got married and had partners. So to me, it felt like I got the short end of the stick.

2. Have you ever confided in anyone within your community about your sexual orientation? If so, what was that experience like? Have you found any sources of support (i.e., close trusted friends, siblings, your parents, the minister, colony teacher) within your colony? If so, how were they supportive, understanding, or accepting?

-I have not. I don't particularly feel the need to. I try to get people to be accepting of gay people as people and I don't try to get them to accept gay marriage. I don't think gay marriage is compatible with Christianity. Therefore, I feel members should love all gay members like all the rest. I think I have made some headway on that particular journey.

-When I got a little older I told some of my closest male friends and I was surprised when some told me they suspected it and were ok with it. It made me very happy.

-I have not come out to anyone that I don't know to be gay

-Nobody in my community knows and there is nobody that I recognize as a friend of the lgbt community that I can tell. I have a brother who has left the community that I expect to be welcoming and that gives me hope

-I have confided to family. My experience wasn’t too bad, (very neutral to more positive I’d say) except one family member didn’t wish me well and to this day they haven’t apologized. My relationship with that particular family member is very surface level, but with other family members I can discuss the topic of LGBTQ+

I have no desire to talk to a minister or any regular colony member about being gay as I’m certain that they would think I’m ill and try to fix me with their biblical scripts.

-I did not confide in anyone while I was on the colony. I came out to family and then publicly a few years after leaving and found some support in fellow ex-hutterite queers and a few people still living on the colony. Some people have messaged to share how they admire my bravery, but largely the reception was and still is negative.

-I have never confided to any colony member, family included. I feel there won't be any acceptance. But I'm included in a private gay chat group where I'm accepted and my life changed for the better.

-My mom was the first person I told and she had the classic mom response “Pray the devil away”, and now we don’t talk about it anymore. My siblings all found out through my social media and some are supportive, and for the ones who aren’t we also just don’t talk about it.

The few people’s support from our colony that I do have are also part of the LGBTQ+ community, but there are no allies so to speak, and every one of us is leaving or has left.

-I have confided in my mom and brother, who are accepting. My dad, who debated me on my lifestyle when we had the conversation and is… More or less, accepting. A couple of cousins who have also left the colony and they were the most accepting. One cousin of mine who is still in the colony, said she was accepting, but I later found a very homophobic led post online only a couple of weeks after. Broke my heart. But what should I expect?

3. What negative or positive messages did you hear in the colony about gay people? How did these messages make you feel about yourself and LGBTQ+ people?

The first time I saw a transwoman in town, I remember admiring them and thinking they were so brave until I got to the van and my aunt expressed disgust over why these people can roam around. I quickly shoved down any feeling that arose and buried myself in the books I had checked out. What if they take my interest as being gay?!

These messages led to deep shame, self-hate, and depression. I constantly felt like I was on the edge and didn't belong anywhere. I have been close to suicide at times when I felt like I couldn't keep fighting and being so isolated. It was exhausting trying to balance being myself and not showing too much. After I left, I discovered who I was under all the layers I wore to fit in. I couldn't accept myself in the colony, for the genuine fear of safety.

-Growing up I remember hearing my parents talk with aunts and uncles in a hushed tone about a guy who was perceived to be gay saying "Er ist zu schön zu su sein" and me asking what is gay? The answer was you don't need to know shortly after I remember my telling me don't ever fool around with a guy don't let a guy touch you ever not now not ever as I grew older I realized that I would never be able to live here as a gay man

-I have heard no such thing from either of my colonies, people simply don’t speak of it.

-I would say many are prejudiced against gay people. I believe that thinking of myself and others as any significant part of sexuality is the wrong way to think of people, so these opinions aren't that important.

-I never heard many negative comments it was simply never talked about. There were no positive comments either.

-There were no positive messages. I heard how sick and perverted the people who chose this are. Diseases like aids are God's way of punishing this most severe of sins. Our people are why Sodom and Gomorrah burned. It is just for attention. Those people are sick. When sharing stories of the queer people they've seen in town, our girls expressed such disgust and hate, saying how uncomfortable and nauseous they got and it ruined their whole day. A small part of me almost died then, as I knew there would be no acceptance for me from this person whom I admired.

-I never heard any negative or positive messages about gay people during my time on the colony and that’s mainly because of a lack of knowledge on the subject and from living under a rock. I rarely associate with them now so I’m not up to date with where they stand.

-I never heard anything positive from ppl in the colony, because straight Hutterites don't get the concept of being gay in the colony. It's almost alien to them. So that made me pull farther away from colony members, except family members.

-Growing up Dariusleut, well as anyone could imagine you never heard about it. The first time I heard about gay people was when Kelly Hofer did his interview. The word f*ggot was everyone’s favourite curse word, our parents wouldn’t even touch the subject of sex, nor did any of them have any education on it; let alone any healthy LGBTQ+ information. I simply felt that I didn’t belong and that’s why I ended up leaving.

-There is one line that gets repeated "es ist nicht recht"

4. How has your sexual orientation affected your relationship with your faith, spirituality, love, relationships, and family?

-Faith is extremely hard for me. I had detrimental internalized homophobia when I first left because of how our Faith was taught to us. The fear of that religion was so ingrained in me that I fought for my own existence. I left home at 16 and I fought against myself and (regretfully) other LGBTQ+ members for 3 years after I left, and finally fully accepted who I was at 19. I kissed a girl and my entire life changed, and I truthfully thought to myself, why would a god create me like this if it’s wrong? I don’t allow my old faith to have the same death grip on me as it used to. It’s a very long healing process but so worth the effort.

Spirituality-wise, I’m a very spiritual person. I believe in astrology, meditation, numerology, Wiccanism…etc. that side of me has only gotten stronger and is probably the one side that has been the most consistent and healing for me.

Love-wise, well, it’s an entire world of difference. When you feel love the way you’re supposed to, there’s no going back.

Relationships: I have found that most of the ones I had in childhood are no longer there, but the ones I’ve created by being authentically myself are now mine for life.

With my family, lately, because I’m in a very solid relationship I have found it increasingly difficult to not be able to talk about it. Especially because everyone else can freely talk about their lives, but I have to be very careful about any information I give up. It saddens me to no end knowing that I will never truly be accepted and that I can never be my full self around them.

-It hasn't. My god knows only love hate comes from false prophets

-I had a tough spiritual journey when I figured out I was gay I didn't know where to turn to I knew I couldn't tell my sisters or my brothers and my parents wouldn't be accepting either I was ready to kill myself, I wrote a note and wanted to jump off the highest points of the grain handling system knowing if I landed on my head it would be enough to end my life

-My sexual orientation has turned me against god because the colony preaches that it’s Adam and Eve. I’ve never pursued God or religion after I left home simply because I’m proof that love is not just between men and women. Struggling with my sexuality has led me towards the study of spirituality and I’ve found inner peace through that. Spirituality has made me so self-aware, understanding, and a great listener. I have so much love to give.

-My faith is still strong and I've never told my family so our relationship is the same as always.

-The biggest effect has been on my family, most of whom cannot even speak about it. It led to a year+ of no contact, some by choice and some just outright refusing to engage with me. It is neither good nor bad, but it brought to light a lot of dysfunction and shame in the family. I am secure in my faith and spirituality and trust it is all for a greater purpose. I am cut off more severely than I was before, but it's nothing new. I do miss them tho, as I feel like I never really got to know them or they me. I haven't visited the colony since coming out and I don't know if I'll be able to again, I don't want to go all that way just to get some hate.

As for the impact on relationships, I'm still learning about that. It certainly has left me struggling to open up and honestly express myself, which has some drawbacks. I have spent some time in therapy and working on myself so that the belief that disagreeing leads to abandonment and that my existence is a burden is just straight up (pardon the pun) false.

-It’s affected my life in way too many ways. My faith and relationships mainly.

-It has taught me that it is possible to love others outside my immediate family like I can love my family. I have learned that there is an author of love who is capable of instilling love in me and others for myself and others that goes beyond what we deserve.

-I believe my sexual orientation has affected my relationship with family and faith. I'm living such a private life and I cannot share this with them, some days it can be heartbreaking but I continue to paddle my canoe.

-I always have moments of never finding love. But because of my family, I’m avoiding 50% of people that I romantically have attraction to. Just because it’s easier.

-While there are moments, I think it's more a general feeling that people dislike what they don't understand. Once you make people talk about their misunderstandings, they can better face them and help themselves come to the right conclusions. The most prevalent problem is that most people fail to see gay people as people who are gay. That is, that they are people first.

-I always felt like I had to act how people expected me to, which took a lot of my happiness, people think it's a choice but as a child whose first crush was a boy, I definitely did not choose the person I found attractive.

-The feelings of isolation and being misunderstood have been constant throughout my Hutterite existence and were growing with age. Nothing made sense, I had no one to talk to, and most people had already decided I was weird and moody. I don't know if it's just queer individuals who experience this, but feeling things deeply is not something to be ashamed of. Expression is healthy and normal. We aren't trying to draw attention, I would have liked less attention in such moments. Love is not a sin, and contrary to popular belief; I don't think acting on that love is evil either.

Puberty was awful for me, I had no idea what was happening and had nobody to discuss my fears with. Thanks to some books I found (that others thought I was crazy for reading), I was able to figure out what is normal and that I am not actively dying.

-I did not come out when I was still living in the colony, so I cannot speak on any experiences while being a Hutterite. However, since I’ve left and come out I find myself being sought out mostly from people who have made it their mission to try and change who I am. Every single time that I have a conversation with Hutterites about the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, it feels very unproductive and hopeless.

-The biggest misconception in the colony I grew up in as is in most is that it’s a sin.

-The only misconception I've heard is "it's not right"

-In 2015 when the first gay couple was married in a Mennonite church I remember being at the Lethbridge Food Market and one of the workers talking with other Hutterites about it how wrong and evil it was. This was also around the time when I got access to the internet and could now finally explain myself what it was

-The greatest misconception that I’ve experienced is that we as LGBTQ+ were not born this way and that it is a choice. They believe that it’s the devil leading us on and if we become stronger in our faith it will go away. THERE IS NOTHING FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!

At a sibling’s wedding after the Sunday church when they congratulated/blessed the couple around the Shenk table, I felt isolated as they were referencing the bible and how beautiful God's work is in making that special day happen. I came from the same parents as my siblings, I was also raised in the colony, am I not God's work? I couldn’t help but think that they would never celebrate my big day nor would they be interested too.

6. Have you ever considered leaving your Hutterite colony due to your sexual orientation? Why or why not?

-I left because of my sexual orientation and I will never go back. I find the vast majority of Hutterites to be very judgemental.

-My parents have left, but they talk about going back. I could never. But my close bonds still weigh heavy on me.

-I have not. I don't think there is a place where we can feel 100% accepted for who we are. And I think this is rightly so. We need to know and be reassured that we can still improve. Why improve if everything about us is accepted? This seems like a depressing thought to me.

-I have considered it because I feel I'll never be able to be my true self, but I also love the colony life and I do plan to grow old there despite not being able to find love.

-I never used to believe that I left because of who I am, I used to think it was simply because I wanted a different experience, but I now know that I truly knew I would never belong.

-I am considering leaving right now why stay here when I can't get married here

-I have been considering leaving for many years due to health reasons and knowing my family probably wouldn't want to see me anymore I haven't

-Since I have discovered this private gay chat group that I'm involved in, I feel I have a different perspective. I have been exposed to the real world and now I'm torn between leaving and staying. I know it's wrong to leave the colony but I would love to experience a gay relationship too.

7. If you had an open invitation to speak to your colony members, what would you tell them about how being queer and Hutterite has impacted your life?

-I would tell them about my journey of self-discovery

-I would say thank you for raising me into this beautiful soul that I am, but because of your lack of acceptance towards the LGBTQ+ I and many others don’t live here anymore. I would also tell them to start to listen to understand with an open mind and heart and to stop attacking us online with their hateful responses for the sake of the well-being of their peers.

-I wouldn’t

-The invitation is always open. You speak to everybody on their terms and do not expect them to make too great a leap from their expectations and they eventually come around. I have great hope for us as a people.

-My message to straight Hutterites: please accept queer Hutterites. My journey hasn't been easy and it's not over yet.

-I would tell them how difficult it is to talk about, and I’d share how hard it is to find someone you can trust to talk to. I’d discuss religion. I would talk about how detrimental it is to everyone’s mental health to stay close-minded. I ask what we could all do to make the colonies accept change. There would be much to discuss, but I truly think the only thing I would ask for a open open-mindedness.

-I would talk about how I'm afraid to be treated like a freak and how all I want is to live a normal life without having to hide who I like

-I don't know if I had words to say. I would try to express that I'm the same person I have always been, regardless of how I present. My loving people regardless of what body has not made me evil. Maybe I would share how being Hutterite has instilled a strong love for community, fellowship, or helping other beings. Maybe I would just sit there and cry, asking how they could claim to love me and miss me, if they never allowed the real me to be shown, and shut me out when I decided to stop following their rules.

8. How has hiding your sexual orientation and/or coming out of the closet affected your mental health and well-being?

-My mental health and well-being could be better. And that's what I'm scared of. If things get worse, I could have a nervous breakdown or even worse, end up in a psychiatric ward. So I try to keep my mental health in check with medication.

-It causes me to get extremely stressed at times to the point where I developed an ulcer once

-I get so stressed at times knowing what could happen when I come out, it got so bad that I developed an ulcer once due to stress

-It is truly the most freeing experience. It took such a long time for me to accept who I was, I used to self-harm and drink very heavily to try and forget myself and my other issues. When I finally accepted myself it took a while still to authentically live it; and now that I am there’s nothing anyone can say or do to convince me otherwise. There’s no better experience than being who you truly are.

-Hiding it is such a burden. I don’t know how I can keep this up forever

-I don't let my sexual orientation be a large part of my mental health. Of course, it has an impact, but I try my best to rise above it.

-The time around me coming out was an extremely dark place for me. I was learning to love and accept myself while having to cut off access from family due to the long messages of how wrong and sinful I am. Everything going wrong at home was somehow blamed on me, for bringing this great shame and depression on the family. It felt amazing to be free and open, but was also heartbreaking to see everyone I loved pull back and try to shame me back to being acceptable. Even people I thought would be supportive since they preach bravery and the importance of authenticity could not find anything supportive for me.

-Being closeted has led to excessive drinking, smoking weed, overeating, and other bad habits. A very unhealthy and dangerous lifestyle. Opening up and being myself has greatly positively affected my health.

9. What changes would you like to see in Hutterite colonies to make a better and more inclusive future for LGBTQ+ individuals?

-Teach love. Teach the Bible but teach it with love

-I would love for Hutterites to see gay people as fellow human beings and brothers.

-I would like everyone to stop pretending that there aren't any gay Hutterites and not treat them differently, most gay people in the colony live their whole lives in secret and that affects a person's mental health

-As a trans/nonbinary person, I would love to see them relax the binary roles. Allow expression more, and let the girls with an interest in building build, and the boys who want to cook, cook! It's the gender differences that do it for me, but that's strong in modern society too. I would love expression to be free for everyone, regardless of age or gender. Autonomy for everyone should be a basic foundation, rather than having the men decide what's best for the women.

-I think an illustration of using public or private shaming would also be greatly beneficial.

I also think they could use an open mind regarding their biblical teachings, and maybe take some interruptions from other sources. The Bible has great principles, but some interruptions lean much more into domination and holding power over others.

And of course, allow same-sex marriage.

I think by allowing these changes, the community could be a healthier place for everyone.

-I know gay relationships aren't allowed in the colony, but I'd love to see a safe place for gay ppl here. Like a chat group where they will feel accepted. I know what a difference it made in me.

-For Dariusleut, a lot. There are so many things that need to be changed it is very difficult to choose where to begin. I think first and foremost people need to talk about sex. Everyone deserves to have a healthy sex education. Parents and elders shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about something so natural. That could be the first stepping stone to open doors for an even broader discussion like sexuality.

-Allow equal marriage

-An acknowledgement would be a great starting point when Maryann Kirkby wrote a column on when she called all the bishops about this I had so much hope that Darius bishop Joe Wurz would continue this conversation

-It’s not so much a change but a suggestion. The leaders should call a meeting with the subject being LGBTQ+ that is open to each and everyone who would like to attend to see where the Hutterite community stands on this, and also have allies in attendance for a healthy debate. I think this would be an eye-opener and a hopeful step towards a more inclusive future, and also very educational for those who are less knowledgeable on the topic.

10. What message would you like to send to other queer Hutterites who might be struggling with their identity?

-Your identity is your own. No one can tell you anything about it

-If one cannot be themselves fully in the colony then leave. Yes, it’s hard but if we cannot be ourselves then life is not worth it. There is unwavering support out there and you will find a new and loving community.

And to the non-queers, practise your kindness to all and non-judgment.

-My message to other queer Hutterites: please reach out to other gay Hutterites. But it's not that easy. The only connection I found was Kelly Hofer. He was my shining light.

-My advice has always been and always will be, if you’re not safe or accepted you need to leave. The amount of emotional abuse you will go through is not worth trying to stay for the people you love.

-Don't let your sexuality be your identity. God can provide a way better identity for you as part of His plan.

-Try to find true friends that u can be honest with, it will make it so much easier and you'll always have those people who understand how u feel and who u can be your true self with

-You are not alone and you're not the first. Express yourself as much as is safe and comfortable for you. And please, please, don't hurt yourself for being different. Just like the forests need many variations to be healthy, as does the community.

-Please stay strong and don't give up on yourself

-Send a message to a person you know to be gay and confide with them

11. What do you think are the biggest barriers to acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals in Hutterite colonies? What gives you hope for the future regarding LGBTQ+ acceptance in Hutterite colonies?

-The strict-binary tradition of most of it. The culture is so set in old-fashioned gendered roles, with for the most part only men being allowed to vote, it's hard to see them change their ways for something so 'emotional and girly' as love. Shame is being used as a core principle to holding everything in line. Challenging that goes against a generation's worth of teaching and practise, which is no small feat.

I don't know if I hold much hope, to be honest. But the younger generation is more accepting and open to new ideas. And there are many of us, they can't (I hope) force or manipulate everyone to leave and tear apart the families without tearing up the colonies. The little hope I have is my own belief that our fight is not for nothing and that change can be made, regardless of circumstances.

-Denial, fear, unknown, tradition. I don’t know if the future is bright, but I hope it is

-Tradition and lifelong training to maintain the status quo have made Hutterites likely to avoid anything different than is normal. My interaction with Hutterites being different yet not terrible has helped many of my brothers and sisters warm up to gay people, it seems like to me.

-I believe it's change, Hutterites are not good with change and this is a big one but a necessary one, all we want is to be loved for who we are and be able to love

-I have a bit of hope for the new generation of Hutterites.

-A lot of people don't want to talk about it. When it comes up there is always someone saying let's not talk about this anymore "es is nit recht"

-Education and religion! The school system in the colony that I’m aware of is still very black-and-white and very minimal. They have internet/access to the outside world tho, so I’m hopeful that change is coming.

Love trumps religion, deep down they still love us, but they can’t express that openly because of their bible.

-This is also a very difficult question to answer because there are a lot of underlying factors. I believe higher education is required. Education. Education. Education!

Sex education, mental health awareness, and more exposure to more things.

12. Have you experienced any changes in attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals in your colony over time?

-No not overly

-Not really. The ones against it refuse to talk about it and the ones in support quietly say they support, you do you.

Some in their youth were 'wild' and bisexual which they leaned into, but then as they got closer to baptism, buried it and turned on me: 'I love you always, you know that, but you know that's wrong'.

So probably basically the same, with a touch of a degree to more accepting.

-No, if anything it’s become worse because people like us are trying to make a difference. The only positive change I’ve been a part of is creating a safe space for other LGBTQ+ members. I cannot express how amazing it is when other members come forward and share their stories, or come to you for advice.

-It has gone from being extremely negative to "es is nit recht" or to simply his a fag

-Yes, in the younger generation and it is because they have access to the internet now.

-I wish I had family that was queer in colonies. I want to help them

-Yes. With a large majority, there's not a whole lot of change, but some have lost animosity and have converted to skepticism. I think that's positive.

-Some people understand that ur born that way while others will never believe it

13. What aspects of Hutterite culture do you value most, despite the challenges you face?

-Marriage children and family life

-I value the closeness and connection to family

-Community/closeness

-I value our traditions and our families, I like how we find happiness in the little things

-I value the fellowship, helping and being there for each other, and everyone contributing.

I still miss the food, knowing the hearts and people that grew and prepared it, knowing where it comes from.

The ceremonies also, with everyone taking part and adding their touch.

The hospitality is amazing, being welcomed into homes and hearts and the ease of meeting new people and making friends

These are all great aspects, but I also see them falling short. The communities would be healthier and more vibrant if they were extended to queers as well.

-My view of Hutterites is unfortunately very tainted. I loved my community growing up and I still love every single person. I loved growing up the way I did, the closeness of the community, the farm life, the work we did etc..but I also know that I am no longer accepted by any of them, and I know from sources that I am this person to be hated and disregarded entirely. I hardly blame them, but I truly know if they wanted to change they could.

-The independence and the nostalgia of practically growing up there

-The closeness of the people and the ability to help each other out. Families can stay together without economic duress forcing them apart.

14. If you could write a letter to your younger self about your experiences as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite, what would you say?

-I would tell myself to leave and break that family connection if they don't accept you

-Be myself fully. It will be hard and painful, but on the other side, there will be bliss. One cannot pour from an empty cup, and by being myself, my cup will overflow. Love and respect myself, I am enough!

-Don't be discouraged. Over time, people will change if you give them the chance. Stay kind, loving, and patient and your light will eventually shine brightly.

-Like my graduation speech, it would be full of apologies.

-I’d simply tell myself that it’s okay to be gay and it’s okay to say gay.

15. What resources do you as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite feel are needed to support others like us?

-Other members of the LGBTQ+ communities, and exposure to healthy conversations.

-Paid therapy for everyone. Group therapy, family therapy, individual therapy, couples therapy, talk therapy, and art therapy. Even if I missed some, it should be available too.

Informed sex education. This does not lead to premature sex, but rather to more conscious, educated people.

LGBTQ+ books. These help for those feeling alone and isolated.

Talks by informed professionals about sex, gender, identity, and expression.

Books by the likes of Brené Brown who teach about shame and belonging.

Gender gear like binders, tape, voice lessons and hormones.

-I think gentle conversation is all that is needed. Not expecting anything to change overnight helps.

-A place where you can chat with others who are like you or who accept you, whether it be on a phone call/text or even mail

-We need more people who support us to stand up and start the conversation with their community

-We have the only resource we need which is our voice. We need to become more resourceful. We need to become louder!

Non-Anonymous responses:

Johannes E:

1. Please describe your journey of self-discovery as an LGBTQ+ person within your Hutterite Colony. What have been the most significant moments or realizations?

Around 12 years old, my older cousin had his way with me sexually. I did not resist whatsoever and never felt so loved and enjoyed the touch of another male. I fell head over heels in love with him I thought anyway. This was proof enough for me that I was gay or bisexual. Knowing this set me free.

Coming out to my uncle, who had left the colony at that time, was a disaster and a very harsh lesson in trust. I was shunned and bullied for years until the next scandal came along. Also, a sister of mine ran and told my parents as soon as she heard and that's when I harbour some suicidal thoughts but thankfully I did work through that. Unfortunately, the threats became nightmarish and I had to leave in secrecy.

3. What negative or positive messages did you hear in the colony about gay people? How did these messages make you feel about yourself and LGBTQ+ people?

I was told homos are evil and unclean. Gay or bisexual people are an abomination. There were multiple times when leaving the colony was the only option.

4. How has your sexual orientation affected your relationship with your faith, spirituality, love, relationships, and family?

I realized that no God thing would make a perfect human like me, and then would condemn that same human because of how and whom they love. Years later, I dumped the religious dogma and that was when I became a free-thinking being in the great universe. My family has swept my homosexuality so far under the rug as possible. I visit my family like I am dead. They do not ask about my life at all. Very sad for them and so difficult for me. I visit often, every five or so years. My relationship with most of my family is pathetic, to say the least.

The colony where I am from has no place for an LGBTQ+ human. The two ministers suggested that I leave if I choose THAT evil lifestyle. I was surrounded by family however I was a stranger.

6. Have you ever considered leaving your Hutterite colony due to your sexual orientation? Why or why not?

That is exactly why I had to leave. Thankfully many of the more progressive colonies are changing for the better I hear.

7. If you had an open invitation to speak to your colony members, what would you tell them about how being queer and Hutterite has impacted your life?

I would like to tell my story and how that horrible experience affected and most likely still affects my life and relationships.

8. How has hiding your sexual orientation and/or coming out of the closet affected your mental health and well-being?

By leaving that unhealthy scene/colony I immediately found some solace and safety. After some professional counselling, then Uni and college life took hold and now I want to say that this horrible experience was the best and harshest lesson of reality one could have.

9. What changes would you like to see in Hutterite colonies to make a better and more inclusive future for LGBTQ+ individuals?

The grand and blatant lack of education needs to be called out. It is cruel what the LGBTQ+ and others who are different within the colonies suffer.

10. What message would you like to send to other queer Hutterites who might be struggling with their identity?

Reach out to professionals living off the colony. You are a beautiful human being and know that many understand and want to help you reach your potential. Unfortunately, where I grew up, there was only one choice. Leave the colony and start your new exciting life.

11. What do you think are the biggest barriers to acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals in Hutterite colonies? What gives you hope for the future regarding LGBTQ+ acceptance in Hutterite colonies?

Their fundamental old ways of thinking and lack of education lead to this type of ignorance and lack of being able to understand. There are all kinds of differences in humanity. The younger generation is our only hope. I now have nieces and nephews that except their awesome gay uncle and partner. I am so grateful and feel hope for a more inclusive future where we all can live freely.

12. Have you experienced any changes in attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals in your colony over time?

Through friends, one hears positive news on some colonies. Thank you to the brave souls who tried to work with colonies and bring these issues into the light. You are appreciated and loved.

13. What aspects of Hutterite culture do you value most, despite the challenges you face?

The experience and natural curiosity that a diverse farm instilled in one as a child is second to none. We tried everything under the sun, like building a glider that glided for two feet and then crashed, oh the memories 🤗🤗

14. If you could write a letter to your younger self about your experiences as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite, what would you say?

Thank you for not acting on your suicidal thoughts and powering through until an answer presented itself. I am so proud of myself and my accomplishments that many beautiful humans helped me with.

15. What resources do you as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite feel are needed to support others like us?

Sharing this type of document goes a long way.

Thank you to the author of this important work. I cried all the way to the end documenting my story here.

Garrett Wipf:

1. Please describe your journey of self-discovery as an LGBTQ+ person within your Hutterite Colony. What have been the most significant moments or realizations?

My journey within my colony wasn’t easy because I was an effeminate child, bullying and ridicule were rampant, and depression ruled over me because of it. I struggled with being liked and accepted by my fellow peers, it wasn’t an easy life for me in the colony. Suicide attempts were a big issue, as well as lashing out and being rebellious from the lack of acceptance. If I stayed any longer in the colony and had to hide myself I wouldn’t be alive today. Running away was the only way I survived, in all reality, I would have never seen 18 if I stayed in the colony. And that is the sad reality of being different and trying to live a Hutterite lifestyle, they currently aren’t able to accept anyone that’s queer.

My family started accepting me after I left and they were in the colony still, but they paid for that by being ousted or isolated and not being liked. If they openly said they accepted me they would have been completely isolated. When my younger sister was still in the colony she hated me for coming out as gay but that quickly changed when she left the colony and wasn’t under the influence of her peers.

3. What negative or positive messages did you hear in the colony about gay people? How did these messages make you feel about yourself and LGBTQ+ people?

Within my colony they have no acceptance for anyone that is “different”, they would always say queer people should be killed or die, I believe that it would take a while for anyone queer to be accepted.

4. How has your sexual orientation affected your relationship with your faith, spirituality, love, relationships, and family?

I lost my faith when I was still living in the colony due to the people preaching that queer people are “disgusting”, and “satanic”, and that they will “burn in hell”. I had a strong belief in god that I got from my grandma, she made sure that I knew my bible from front to back. But in the end, the hatred from my peers ruined my love for Christianity. I haven’t been able to find the love I once had that my grandma instilled in me, and I probably never will.

As for my family which isn’t my immediate, I have no connection to them and have never had an issue with that. My immediate family members love and accept me and I’m very grateful to have that.

5. Can you describe a moment when you felt particularly isolated or misunderstood due to your sexual orientation? What misconceptions about queer individuals do you think are most prevalent in your colony?
There was one time in the colony when I felt I had to assimilate and follow the hate campaign against queer individuals. As a younger person, I was more of an effeminate guy, to not be questioned or labelled as a “fag” I had to go along with the hate that was shown towards Kelly after he came out. But primarily I stayed quiet and “dated” girls so I wouldn’t get questioned.

The biggest misconception against gay people in the colony is that they would burn in hell for their depravity and they would always reference Lot's wife saying the reason she turned into a pillar of salt was because she was a lesbian, but in reality, it was because she disobeyed the angels warning to not look back and want her old life.

6. Have you ever considered leaving your Hutterite colony due to your sexual orientation? Why or why not?

I left in 2014 because hiding my queer identity was quite literally killing me, I knew if I stayed much longer one of my multiple suicide attempts would come to fruition.

7. If you had an open invitation to speak to your colony members, what would you tell them about how being queer and Hutterite has impacted your life?

I would talk about the immense mental issues and struggles that are associated with being queer in the colony, and that their words and hatred can cause someone to become and shell of a person and cause harm physically and mentally.

How has hiding your sexual orientation and/or coming out of the closet affected your mental health and well-being?

I remember the moment I left my colony. As soon as I passed the colony driveway I felt an incredible sensation go through my body. I truly did feel all my anxiety leave my body. The feeling of happiness and independence flowed through me. I knew I would never go back after feeling the way I felt.

8. What changes would you like to see in Hutterite colonies to make a better and more inclusive future for LGBTQ+ individuals?

Currently, I don’t expect much because they aren’t ready to accept queer people, but I have visited a colony and spoken with a prediger and he informed me that he has two gay men living in his colony that came forward and “confessed their sin” separately without knowing about each other.

He still welcomed them into his flock under one condition, that condition being as long as they never acted on their urges they would be welcome in his colony. That was good enough for them because they didn’t want to leave and abandon the colony lifestyle. Hearing that I was both surprised and overwhelmed with the amount of love this old man had for his people.

9. What message would you like to send to other queer Hutterites who might be struggling with their identity?

I have two messages that I tell Hutterites when they confess to me about their queer status, depending on their situation.

The first is that they should leave and find a support system. But if they still want a connection to the colony they shouldn’t make it extremely public about their sexual preference. Realistically it’s no one business, but if they want to join the fight go out loud and proud. I let them know to never let what people in the colony say about them affect them (especially family members).

The second piece of advice is for the ones who want to stay in the colony and feel they aren’t strong enough for a life outside of the outside. I tell them that it’s okay to live a single life and not act on their urges as long as they accept themselves and stay true to themselves. If they find a friend that they trust and can confide in they should so they aren’t alone. And never fall into the pressures of marriage, once they start feeling the pressure to settle down they should rethink leaving or look for another option.

One piece of advice I tell everyone doesn’t matter their sexual orientation is that no one needs to know your private business.

10 What do you think are the biggest barriers to acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals in Hutterite colonies? What gives you hope for the future regarding LGBTQ+ acceptance in Hutterite colonies?

The preaching and brainwashing from the church will always be the biggest barrier, as long as uneducated old men lead there will never be acceptance.

What gives me hope is more people getting an “outside” college or university education and experience life outside of the colony, one day when educated women and maybe some men can be in a place of influence some colonies will be more open and accepting.

11. Have you experienced any changes in attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals in your colony over time?

I have had some acceptance from my father’s side, but disdain for me is still very prevalent.

It’s primarily on my mom’s side, I have always been closer to that side and they don’t let my queerness change their love for me, because they always saw a different side of me.

12. What aspects of Hutterite culture do you value most, despite the challenges you face?

I loved the closeness and values that were instilled in me and to this day the values I learned have never changed.

13. If you could write a letter to your younger self about your experiences as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite, what would you say?

I would tell my younger self that family isn’t everything and not to take everything to heart, that you are loved and appreciated. Protect your body, mind and soul, don’t let the church and preachings, as well as people's opinions, change you and how you feel, continue to love yourself and your soul.

14. What resources do you as an LGBTQ+ Hutterite feel are needed to support others like us?

Mental health services should be more accepted, there is nothing wrong with talking about your struggles to a professional.